022. Still.. JELLY.

I am seriously resisting this stupid feeling.. feeling of being jealous because of someone I just like. And I know I’m not supposed to be feeing like this. 

021. Fun time.. Jealous me.

I’m so happy that we’re very very close with each other. I mean, we get to do things that normal 3 weeks friends don’t do usually. In less than a month, I became undeniably comfortable with him.

Hahahaha. I’m just happy today? Yet tired and jealous of the girls who go near him. He’s so handsome and everything so it’s so hard for me to compete knowing that I’m not pretty.. Well, either way, thanks to him.. Atleast we’re good friends :)

There’s a lot of crazy things that he do for me.. but I won’t hope nor expect nor assume. I mean, it’s just a nice gesture of a guy to his friend.

020. The guy who never fails to make me smile.

I will continue my posts about my crush life here in this blog because I have a little doubt that he’s stalking my main blog. I mean, I have this suspicion that he knows my secret feelings towards him. 

So last night with him was the most kilig moment of all the times we’re together. I mean, he held my hand… like, many times even if I refuse not to. waaaaaaaaa. I can’t describe the exact feeling. All I know is that he made my heart bursting into so much happiness? Hihi.

He took a bath in our new home lol. He borrowed my towel but I refused so I let him use my brother’s. I’m quite shy because I haven’t washed it.. so.. LOL. 

Another is that he keeps on joking about anything under the sun just to make me laugh. He does that like, EVERYDAY! Haha! But then I have this attitude of hiding my amusement and showing him otherwise. That’s why everytime he jokes and I laugh, it’s kind of a success to him. ♥ 

I want to remember every detail of what happened last night with him and our other friends. It’s such a fun time everytime I’m with him.. I just hope that it would stay like this. I hope no one will fall inlove.. (I know he won’t) I’m  drunken with this feeling.. feeling of being happy with someone without being inlove. ♥ 

Hating the person you love(d)

It’s so weird to feel two totally opposite things toward a certain someone. Is it really possible? Hating and loving him at a time?

I hate him… hate him for what he did to me. I wanna slap his face, I wanna hurt him, I wanna punch him, I wanna do anything that would make him suffer double the times I am now… I want revenge. I can’t endure feeling like this—-fucked up, wasted and all messed up only because of a freakin guy who I just innocently love(d).

I love him.. no doubt. I won’t be like this if I dont, right? What only pains me is the fact that he wasted it. He just made me fall inlove with him and when I did, I became ‘nothing’ to him now.. how did I know? Well, that’s what he made me feel—-nothing to him. A nobody. But despite those anguish, I still want him… I want to be wrapped around his arms again, I’m longing for his presence, I miss those forehead kisses, the sweetness, his smiles, his voice… everything about him.

Sadly, I can’t have it anymore. Anger. That’s what prevails now. I need revenge. Fuck you babe. Fuck you for doing this to me.

Nakakaconfuse. I don’t know what path am I goin to take. Path to happiness pero incomplete or pain with unsure result hopin for something that I badly want?

Miss ko na sya. Like srsly. Ang sakit sakit isiping malapit nga sya sakin, hindi ko naman sya makausap. Ni makita nga wala eh. Iniiwasan niya talaga ako. :( Alam ko naman na may dahilan kung bakit nya yun ginagawa eh. Pinipilit kong intindihin kahit hindi ko alam yung specific reason. Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ba ang meron kami. Di ko alam kung dapat pa ba akong maghintay. Di ko alam kung magiging okay pa kami.

Wala akong alam dahil wala syang sinasabi. Ang pinanghahawakan ko lang ngayon ay yung sinabi nyang mahal niya ako.

Probably maiinis ka sa katangahan ko. Kung mababasa mo man to, whoever you are. Gusto ko ikwento lahat.. kung paano kami nagumpisa, at paano umabot sa ganito. Pero wala pa talaga ako sa mood lalo pa at ganito situwasyon ko.

Pero kakayanin ko… kahit may part na saakin na gusto ng bumitiw at sumuko.

How long can I endure this torment? Why do I keep on staying though you just put my heart onto grief? What am I to you, really? Who are you to make me feel this way? When are you coming back? Where is my place in your heart? Do I even have one? And if you can’t answer those, just spare me this question…. do you really love me?

My mind’s filled with tormenting queries. Feels like I’m never gonna stop getting hurt. When are you going to give me answers? Will you ever give me those?

I’m pleading for it.. seriously. I’ve never been this hurt.. I’ve never been this patient. Just give me the answers. If you push me away, I’ll make it easy for you.. if you want me to stay, there’s no need for you to beg for it. That’s how much I love you.

Yesterday’s gone. We gotta keep moving on.

PS: This is another guy. MY chris brown :(

I will blog about it soon. not now. i dont feel like reminiscing on this state of mine. My eyes feel swollen.